Dear Mr. Forkbottom,

I’ve researched your claim but according to your birth certificate, you were born 100 years ago to this day. It is state policy to send personal greetings to all of our citizens on their hundredth birthday.

Allow me to again say congratulations. Turning one hundred is quite an achievement. But compared to these long-lived folks, you are practically a baby:

The Radiated Tortoise- 188 years
The Ocean Quahog- 400 years.
Creasote bush found in Mojave desert- 11,704 years
Milky Way Galaxy- 13.2 billion years

So Mr. Forkbottom, Enjoy your 100th birthday and here's to many more!

Melvin Grubnail
Chief clerk
Manhattan Hall of Records