Harold, my dearest darling sweetheart baby lover,

I left over a dozen messages on your answering machine, yet received no return call! I figured your machine must be broken so I’m sending you an email. I’m hopelessly lost when it comes to computers, so I am having my grandson Kyle type this.

Harold, I’m worried! I haven’t heard from you in three whole days! What are you doing? Who are you with? Have you taken up with a younger woman, some baby-faced tramp in her early seventies? The thought of you with anyone else makes my blood boil! I know the span of our relationship was brief, but didn’t that night behind the bleachers at the senior dance mean anything to you? You made me feel like I haven’t felt like in forty years, and frankly, I haven’t felt anything down there in forty years.

Kyle just ran out of the room so I suppose I can type the rest myself. I’m coming to your office to make sure you’re OK and also to propose marriage. I love you and no one else can have you.

Till death do us part,

Matilda Lodge